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Alan Jackson - Itty Bitty |
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I've had a really rough past couple of days. Since Friday to be exact. Its a really long story, but im going to get into it cause its my journal.. and its friends only--so I know whos reading it. =)
I tried to kill myself early Friday morning. Well, I took the pills around 11:00 at night, but they started taking effect a little later. I got really fucking sick.. and I started getting tired.. which later the doctors told me it was cause I was actually dying and the pills were putting me to sleep. Scary thought, eh? I had snuck Tommy in here for a little while and he was trying to help me feel better. Right whenever he got here, I fell down my front porch steps and hurt my leg really bad.. im bruised up on my legs, my head was bleeding, and I have a nasty scratch on my shoulder thanks to it.
So I told Paige I needed to go to the hospital and I started freaking out pretty bad. Paige and I woke my parents up and told them what happened. They started bitching like no other, and they got ready to take me to the hospital. I rode with my mom to Pattie A Clay and they rushed me into the Emergency room. They explained to me everything I did and how it could effect me. Blah blah blah. Then they had to put an IV in my right arm. I started FREAKING OUT really really bad. Im scared of needles, and just thinking about having a needle in my arm makes me really sick to my stomach. So I told them to take it slow and shit, but it was some foriegn doctor who was a flat out bitch. I don't like her at all. She kept rushing to get the IV in me, and told me if I didn't let her put it in--she would have me restrained. That pissed me off all to hell. Just as I was gonna start crying, she cut my thumb open with the fucking needle. She said it was accident, but I think thats bull shit. How can the needle get all the way from the top of my arm to my other arm further down where my thumbs at? Makes no sense to me. Then this other nurse came in and made me drink 2 FULL CUPS of this charcoal shit. It was absolutley the most disgusting shit I have ever drank in my entire life. I never want to do that again.
I had the IV in my arm for nearly 12-13 hours to be exact. I hated it so fucking much, cause I just sat there in the hospital bed doing jack shit and just thinking about the needle that was in my god damn arm. I kept having to shit every 5 mins cause of the charcoal.. which I suppose is a good thing because all of the pills I had taken came out that way. I had actually taken near 20 pills. A bunch of muscle relaxers, anti depressants, and aleeve. It fucked me up so bad... I shake a lot.. at random moments during the day, but its mostly during the night. I just started shaking, kind of like having a seizure.. and I can't stop. Its really scary. =\
So during my hospital stay, a bunch of people kept coming in to talk to me about my suicidal thoughts and talking to me about how I need thearpy. This woman that apparently works at Comp Care in Richmond came in and told me that If I didn't go to some place like the Ridge, then I would be restrained and have to go anyway.. so I pretty much had no choice in the situation. She suggested the good Samaritin hospital and told me I had to go AS SOON as I got out of Pattie A Clay. I was sitting there like.. oh fuck.. this is going to be a long long week. She told me the average stay at the good Samaritin is a week. I thought I was gonna cry.
So.. as soon as they took the IV out of my arm and they wheeled me out of the hospital (its a rule that anyone in the hospital has to be taken out in a god damned wheelchair. I didn't know that.) My mom drove me right back home. I was about to cry, but I honestly had no time to. My mom was rushing me to get my clothes and personal hygeine shit together so she could drive me to Lexington to the Samaritin hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to smoke over there, so I smoked a few cigarettes before I left. Tried to calm my nerves. It helped a little bit. Then I read that Im not allowed to take any makeup or wear any.. I screamed. I was piiiiisssssed. but since I had no choice, I took my makeup off.. and left my makeup container at home. :(
We got up there. Did a assload of paperwork at the main desk. I just sat there for like 30 mins signing papers. (Apparently I have to sign them as well, where im 17 and not younger. Wtf?) but yeah. Some lady asked me a bunch of weird questions before I entered the main unit about my past, whats going on, what troubles I have, stuff like that.
Then this weird nurse that I knew I was gonna be seeing a lot of, (I just had one of those feelings..) made us fill out some MORE paperwork. Signed some forms. Woop dee fucking doo. How exciting.
After that, they showed me my bedroom. Its this really small bedroom with two extreamly small, uncomfortable beds and a bathroom in there. I chose the one that didn't have a window behind it. Then they did a test of my vitals like my blood pressure and heart rate.. shit like that. After that, this nurse took me to weigh me and get my height. Then she made me strip. I was standing there like what the FUCK?! So she had this picture of a human body and checked my entire body for every little scar that I have. I was like standing there thinking, "Oh shit. Im fucked." so she wrote down every scar I had and told me I need to quit cutting and shit. Pissed me off all to hell.
After all of that, I went back to my bedroom and shut the door. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't quit shaking thanks to all of those muscle relaxing pills that I had taken. It fucked with me so bad, cause even now I still shake occasionally. I fnally got to sleep and the next day my group thearpy started.
I had to go to group thearpy every 2-3 hours and talk about my problems in front of a bunch of kids. Seriously. Three 5 year olds, a ten year old, a 12 year old (who was admitted a few days after I came actually.) and Kenny, the 16 year old guy who is SO FUCKING HOT. He was discharged a day before I got out though. I gave him my phone number so we can keep in touch, im not sure when hes going to call me or whatever. He said he would.
I finally got out on Wednesday. Thank the good lord. My social worker told the doctor that I was doing good after a family session, so they discharged me. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!
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anti_emotionsx's journal
pissed off